The Entourage Movie: An Awfully Overhyped, Plot-Less, Star-Studded (Amazingly Awesome) Swing and A Miss

The Entourage Movie: An Awfully Overhyped, Plot-Less, Star-Studded (Amazingly Awesome) Swing and A Miss

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

Well the reviews are in and they’re overwhelmingly terrible. Honestly what did you expect, a plot driven dramady that would continue to provide an unobtrusive view into the world of show business? For all intents and purposes the Entourage movie was one big victory lap. As one reviewer says, “it would have been foolish to expect Doug Ellin to add any extra complexity or innovation to the basic Entourage setup.” Uh yeah, it would have been foolish to expect that, so I don’t know why the fuck you expected it. The 104-minute Entourage movie was for men what the Sex and The City movie was for women. An escape from our mostly humdrum lives that made any man wish to be in the shoes of Ari, E, Turtle, Vince but definitely not Drama. In so many words, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie but I did have some problems with its execution.

The Entourage movie is the equivalent of having sex with an ex-girlfriend. Sure, it SEEMED like a good idea at the time but when you wake up the next morning, head throbbing, and are confronted with the stark reality of what just happened you begin to question every little thing that got you into her bed in the first place. But hey, at least you got laid.

The entire plot of the movie can be summed up thusly: Vince directed a movie but wait he doesn’t want to show it to anyone, but then Ari shows it to people and they end up at the Golden Globes. Oh, and the kid from the Sixth Sense is there but he doesn’t see dead people instead he sees a bunch boobies. Hooray! Now, we’re expected to believe that this movie Vince directed was one for the ages, just the best movie ever. We saw one scene from his directorial debut, titled Hyde, and holy shit it was terrible. That’s what you choose to show? If you are going to try and convince us, the movie-goer, that your movie-stars directorial debut really was as big a hit as Ari believes then maybe you should have written a better scene, Doug.

Like what was even going on. Vince was at a rave and then he starts firing off like gumballs or whatever out of his wrist and people start to rebel against the cops and then Vince turns into some mutant but don’t worry it’s all good because Calvin Harris is there. Why is Calvin Harris there? Is he just an avid fan of the underground rave/protesting scene? Do people even know what Calvin Harris looks like? He nodded at Vince then bam scene over.

There are some people who will say that in this movie women only served one role and that was to be sexually objectified on the big screen to which I will say, yeah you’re right. There were hardly any strong female characters other than Ari’s wife, who can (and will), kick the ass of the most powerful man in Hollywood.

But in the end what it all boils down to is this: every male lead on the show, with the exception of Jeremy Piven (Ari Gold), is just a bad actor, simple as that. They were bad actors when the show started in 2004 and they’re just as bad, maybe even worse, in 2015. Why do you think none of them have been in anything else since entourage ended? Except when turtle was in think like a man for like all of 30 seconds as the token white guy. In the brisk 30-minute episodes their poor acting wasn’t a problem because people were showing up to be entertained by beautiful women, absurd amounts of money and super awesome cameos by every famous person ever. But when they try to carry an entire movie it just doesn’t work. Also, the cameos, while they worked so well in TV form they just didn’t translate to the big screen. On the show they would have been treated with more care, while in the movie they were just thrown in for the sake of being thrown in.

Also, lets talk about the timeline. Where and when did this movie exist?

IF we are supposed to believe that this movie took place only a few weeks after the end of the series, it would put the start of the movie right around the end of 2011, so lets start there. (Pause) Is anyone really surprised Doug Ellin completely untied everything he wrapped up so neatly in the series finale? (Un-pause) One of the larger more outrageous scenes took place when Vince was set to premier the movie to his friends.

Here we saw Gronk and Julian Edleman partying together and getting weird on the keg (even though I’m a Dolphins fan, I loved every second of this). But why would Julian Edleman be here if it’s 2011? In 2011 Edleman wasn’t quite a part of Belichicks master plan (he had 4 receptions for 34 yards in the 2011 Season). Next up, DangeRuss Wilson. In this same scene he was talking to E about what it was like when he won the super bowl, but uh…that didn’t happen until 2014. In fact, in 2011 many of the Seahawks faithful had just welcomed their new offseason acquisition and future franchise Quarterback, Matt Flynn (so happy Miami didn’t end up signing him). And then Pharrell comes in hot with his signature hat. Which he didn’t debute until 2014, c’mon Doug you’re better than that.

BUT enough bitching its time for me to tell you how I really feel. Ok I fucking loved it. It was great. It was like watching the final three episodes of a season in one sitting. Like, the first episode is starting you out, you know? Introducing you to what the season is actually about and then it’s back to beautiful women, Ari, and sweet cars for like 33½ minutes, then something small happens but honestly who cares because Gronk is there and he’s killing it (shout out to the Buffalo boys). Then Haley Joel Osment shows up and he’s no longer a whiny little kid and is trying to steal a girl from Vince (ha, good luck). Then it’s back to more one-liners from Drama, Vince and the gang walking around, and E and Sloan’s nonsense. Then a minor problem arises but Ari solves it, and before you know it they’re all at the Golden Globes.

In the end when it actually comes down to giving this movie a numerical grade I’m slightly torn. Part of me wants to give this movie a 100% because I loved the series and, honestly, I loved the movie just as much. The other part of me that is attempting to be a “critic” wants to give the movie about the same as the Rotten Tomatoes score (30%). So let’s meet somewhere in the middle. In the end this movie for sure deserves higher than it’s Rotten Tomatoes score (way too many puns comparing the Entourage movie to Medellin) so I’d have to give it a solid 65%, good but could have been way better.

 

Share