The Fine Art of ‘Netflix-ing’

The Fine Art of ‘Netflix-ing’

Now some of you are reading this and are probably asking yourself “how is sitting down and watching Netflix a fine art?” If you found yourself saying this than you sir/madam are about to be introduced to they ways in which a real man binge watches television. I have split this post into three parts to guide you on your path to become a true Netflix savant.


Part 1 Cancelling Plans

When you were a youngling living off the fruit of your parents labor (still am, feels great) the weekend had an entirely different purpose. This was your chance to get out and see what’s going on in the world. Those two days were often as jam packed as possible. From sleepovers with friends to soccer and baseball tournaments to going out and hanging in Bethesda or Maza because you’re not quite ready for DC, there was never a dull moment.

Nowadays, as a young adult, the thought of waking up at 7am on a Saturday morning for a soccer game just makes me sick. Like, I just puked at the idea that’s how sick I’m talking. Hopefully my kids are really into video games so I never have to deal with driving them 45 minutes out to some isolated field to watch them kick a ball the wrong way than clap and cheer and try to convince them they don’t suck.

Anyways, let’s get back on track I don’t have all day. So now when the weekend rolls around these three nights offer a very different attraction (I’m counting Thursday’s as the weekend cause, you know, College!). Thursday’s and Friday’s are great. Go out, have some fun, drink some beer, and if your lucky enough you can even manage to convince an attractive girl to procreate with you (I said if you’re lucky). So now when Saturday’s roll around you say to yourself “Holy shit, I have to do that again? Why can’t I just stay in bed and watch Lie To Me for the 22nd time?” Great news everyone, you can!

Completely unrelated to this post. So I’m writing this and I’m listening to music on Youtube and the Sugar music video comes on. Holy shit. This video is unreal, the whole Maroon5 band just driving around LA playing personal concerts for people at their weddings. Goddamn Adam Levine you’re so fucking perfect it hurts.

Sorry for getting off track again, you know doctors say I have “very severe ADD” but what the fuck do they know. So it’s Saturday night and you’re thinking how am I going to get out of going out tonight. You have a few options. Option 1: you can play the sick card. I don’t really recommend doing this because then you have to keep up the charade through the next week and at that point it just becomes more of a hassle than anything.

Option 2: just tell people you’re not going out. Again, I don’t really recommend this one either because now you’re opening the door for people to try and convince you to go out. More often than not they do end up convincing you and your night is now ruined. Yeah I mean I guess you can go out for a bit and then when no one is paying attention slink off back to your dungeon but then the majority of your night is ruined so what’s the point.

Option 3: just don’t answer your door or your phone. This one definitely takes some practice. If you live in a double then it doesn’t really work because your roommate can always just open the door but if you’re in a single this maneuver will quickly become your best friend. Honestly, what are they going to do? Bang on the door for 5 minutes? That’s why god created noise-cancelling headphones. Now that you have successfully managed to evade your friends you still have some crucial decisions to make.


Part 2 Major Snackage

Any good lock-in requires a steady supply of food and drink. Especially when other illicit substances are introduced, this is where munchies become a necessity. So how do you go about getting munchies while still maintaining your under the radar status. Well, if you’re like me, you have pledges! But for the rest of you out there what are you to do? You could stack up on food and drinks in anticipation of your lock-in. But rarely are these nights planned. Usually the ideas start to form around 6:45 on a Saturday evening, so there’s really no time to gear up.

If you go to school in a city than Seamless, Postmates, Grubhub etc. are your best friends. If you’re not as lucky than timing is everything. Plot your route from room to stairs to car. Learn this route like the back of your hand. I can’t stress this enough as perfect execution here is crucial. Under the cover of darkness you make your move. Creeping through the hallway you open the door to the stairs but OH NO you hear voices coming up. So what are you to do? Expose yourself to these strangers and risk being ridiculed for staying in on a Saturday night? It’s all good though because they exit on the floor below yours. That was too close.

So you’ve made it outside and to your car. Look at you; I can’t believe you did it on your first try. Congratulations.

Ok, I started watching the music video again. When he goes to the Asian Wedding. SO fucking great. The old guy starts dancing and is just killing the game. Everyone is like “ok this is sweet” and then Adam Levine’s voice just carries them away to a magical dreamland where anything is possible and they’re like “Ok this is even sweeter”. If I find out this video is fake I’m going to be so fucking pissed off.

Now, what to snack on? You can go the conventional route: popcorn, soda pop, and some candy. Don’t do it, you’re better than that and we all know it. Get weird with the snacks. I had some buddy’s over last night we made our Rite Aid run came back with a wide array of snacks and before I knew it kid was dipping his sour patch watermelons into the Queso sauce we got for the chips. Was it good? No, not really. But those are the type of moves that can land you in the snacking hall of fame.

So you’ve got your snacks. Now getting back into your room is just as difficult as leaving in the first place. Planning and timing are everything and you can never be too patient. Just remember that.

So you evaded your friends, you got your snacks, now comes the most important part of the evening.


Part 3 What To Watch

This is a question that has ruined many nights in. Sometimes you just can’t pick something to watch and you spend hours deciding and before you know it it’s 3 in the morning and you’ve been watching re-runs of Million Dollar Listing on Bravo! Don’t hate, it’s actually a pretty good show and if you’re wondering yes, I have sat on the couch for an entire day watching Million Dollar Listing. I was “sick” that day.

I mean if I’m being real I’m a cartoons guy till I die. I feel like Seth Macfarlane raised me. I can quote any line from any episode of any season of American Dad or Family Guy. (Go ahead, try me, comment a line from an episode in the section below and if I can’t guess the episode I’ll quite this job.)

So I did some more research. All fake. How could you do this to us Adam! You’re supposed to be better than us and you took our hearts and just stomped all over them. Turns out that the people at the Asian wedding (and every other one) I was raving about are actually paid actors. They commented on their Facebook page “We played the parents of the Asian bride and yes, everything was staged.” Come on Maroon 5. Does this make me love the song any less? No, absolutely not it’s still a great fucking song. I blame that longhaired blonde douche bag in the band. I don’t know your name and I DON’T CARE. I should have known this was fake when those girls got out of their car to take a selfie with you. No one cares about you other than maybe your mom. Everyone likes Maroon 5 for Adam Levine and Adam Levine only. I’m so PISSED.

So you’re deciding what to watch I mean you can’t really go wrong. Me, I like to dabble between a little comedy a little drama a little suspense. Really all depends on what I’m in the mood for. I watched Kingsmen the other day. Unreal film. 10/10. Just a way more action packed James Bond.

I don’t really have too much advice for this section because lets be real, you’re going to watch whatever you want to watch and my input isn’t really going to change that too much. So pick something you like, open up those snacks, enjoy that non-liver damaging illicit substance (smoke em if you got em) and have a great night in. You deserve it.