Why Deep Sea Fishing is a Waste of Time

Why Deep Sea Fishing is a Waste of Time

Ok so we’re on vacation and we’re trying to figure out what to do. Aside from the normal cavalcade of white people activities my family usually engages in (Golf, Tennis, hiking) (who am I kidding, I don’t hike) we decided to branch out into another white people field and booked a deep sea fishing trip.

Well, when I first learned we had to get up at 6 am to do this and I said “Fuck that, I’m out” to which my dad responded “I already paid for it, stop being a bitch” he didn’t actually say that second part but I like to imagine that’s what he was thinking.

So we did it. I woke up at 5:45 am and for a brief moment contemplated suicide. Upon not being able to actually go through with it I got up, threw on the performance polo, and I was out the door. After a short 10 minute drive to the marina we were well on our way to hooking a nice 500 lb. Marlin. 6:36 on the dot I cracked my first beer. Ah so this is what it feels like to be white trash. But I’ll admit it I was kind of into it. We had our big expensive fishing gear on board met our father son tandem captain and first mate and we shoved off heading for the open ocean.

Sandy (the name of our Male first mate, LOL) started off with a tutorial of what to do when there is actually a fish on our line. The guy was showing us the ins and outs of how to wrestle with these big fuckers. I was into it. “Holy Shit” I thought, “I’m about to reel in a big fish and throw it up on Facebook and get like 23 likes.” 23 likes is nothing to scoff at, ok? So there we have it our lines are in the water and we’re ready. Maybe 23 minutes in we get our first bite.

The only way I can describe what happened next was organized chaos. Sandy was running this way (lol, Sandy) his son Chad was yelling at my brother to get in the chair and we were ready to reel in this big boy. And then…nothing. Fish got off the line. Are you fucking kidding me? The fish got off the fucking line? Look, I know it’s not Sandy’s fault (lol, Sandy is a woman’s name) but every ounce of my being wanted to blame him.

I didn’t pay all this money (when I say I, I am referring to my financier Paul The Bald) to not catch a fucking fish. But you know what it’s fine. Besides, we’re only 23 minutes in so this is just the beginning. Well, it was the beginning of the end. Nothing. Nada. None. NO BITES. Are you fucking kidding me?


Here’s a list of the things I could have been doing during those 4-hours I wasted on the boat:


-Watched TV

-Gone to the beach

-Face Time my friends

-Eaten breakfast

-Slept some more

-Jet Skied

-Swam in the pool

-Laid out by the pool

-Worked out (lol jk)

-Taken a nap

-Eaten more food

-Sat in the hot tub

-Ogled the attractive new neighbor who just moved in

-Have her notice me then try and quickly pretend I wasn’t looking at her

-Have her dad come out and stare at me menacingly

-Slept again


All these things would have been possible but nooo we had to go Deep Sea Fishing. Waste of my fucking time.

So what did I learn you might ask?

1: Don’t name your child Sandy unless you want them to be ridiculed by a blogger who has absolutely nothing better to do than critique his girly name.

2: Don’t go Deep Sea fishing. Anyone who say’s they love Deep Sea fishing is fucking lying to you. It’s boring as shit and you’ll probably get seasick. You can have just as good a time sleeping and dreaming that you went Deep Sea fishing; maybe then you’ll catch something.

3: Stay in School. Today I met someone who told me that they dropped out of Hawaiian community college. Holy shit, that’s got to be rock bottom, like seriously how hard can Hawaiian community colleges be? The answer: not that hard. This guy was trying to tell us a story and he said (and I’m not making this up) “Yeah and then I saw that guy…ah, who’s that guy…you know the Microsoft guy? Real nerdy dude.” Ummm, Bill Gates? Who happens to be one of the most recognizable humans on the face of the planet? Oh, and he also used the adjective “Bitchin’” to describe everything he was talking about. Every time you use the word Bitchin’ your IQ drops 20 points. That’s just science.


In summation: don’t go Deep Sea Fishing.




Sandy, lol.