Your Offseason Guide to Offseason Sports
It’s been about two weeks since all the good sports finished their respective seasons. The Golden State Warriors were crowned the champs of the NBA and the Chicago Blackhwaks the NHL. Fuck. Now we’re in sports purgatory until Football starts up. Don’t try and make an argument about baseball, ok? It really just sucks. I’m a Nats “Fan”. I mean, I like the idea of baseball but good lord the execution? It’s so fucking boring.
If I wanted to watch nine men sitting out on a field doing nothing than I’d be concerned about my mental health and I’d probably check myself into an insane asylum. Baseball sucks. I’m sorry it just does. It’s not exciting until the end of September/early October and by that time football and hockey are back and it’s just like what’s the point, you know? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I had to take such an aggressive stance on you baseball but it had to be done. Someone had to tell you what is up. Now I know baseball is wildly popular in the United States but I just don’t care it sucks.
So now that we have decided baseball is terrible what are your other options? Well, lucky for you the World Cup is going on and the Untied States are in it to win it. This Wednesday the Stars and Stripes will be turning the Germans into “Sour”-Kraut (see what I did there? That’s high quality comedy.) Let’s go USA (Keep your eyes peeled for a Women of the World Cup post coming soon.)
Is the WNBA popping off? No? Ok, sorry I brought it up.
NASCAR? Wait are you white trash? Are you married to your sister? Do you have a pet armadillo (Do white trash people have pet armadillos? Probably not. I just reallllly wanted to work armadillos into what I was writing so I was like fuck it, lets get weird.) If you answered yes to any of these questions than look into the camera and say “I’m white trash and I’m in trouble” (Like I said in a few posts earlier, I’m the reference guy).
The MLS? I mean if you’re a soccer fan this is not a terrible alternative. Yes, it is like watching a High School soccer game relative to professional soccer everywhere else on the planet but it’s not like they don’t know that. On normal pro soccer teams everyone, for the most part, is really a top-notch player.
However, the MLS is like a high school team in rural Indiana. Yeah, there are a few older kids on the team who are much better and you’re like “Hey, you really have a lot of talent what are you doing playing all the way out here in Linden, Indiana?” To which they would respond with, “Well, my dad thought it would be a good idea for us to move here because the high school we go to is offering me almost a laughable amount of money in scholarship funds to come and go to school here. Far more than any other good high school would offer me.” Those kids are the Pirlo’s, Dempsey’s, Cahil’s, Kaka’s, Henry’s, Villa’s and Lampards of the world.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Holy Fuck, everything other than baseball seems almost unwatchable!” Before you give up entirely let me try and sway you one last time an alternative sport. The CFL. You know what, no. Forget I even brought that up. I regretted it the minute I typed it out. The CFL? Who the fuck watches the CFL. Dammit Zach you’re better than this.
Look, I thought I was. I’m sorry I have failed you. Basically what I’m trying to say is you’re fucked. Baseball is the only thing to watch. I mean there are non-sports related alternatives. If you read my last post you know I’m kind of all about Ballers right now. 10/10 show so far, so you can get your sports kick from there while also being entertained by The Rock.
Lets talk about the Drafts. Now is the time to start fanaticizing about how your teams are going to do next season. I have a buddy who is a Bruins fan in my fraternity. I’m not going to name any names but you know who you are. He has been absolutely flooding the GroupMe with nonsense about how the Bruins are rebuilding and shit but oh my god you had a terrible draft and also managed to give away arguably your best prospect since you showed Tyler Seguin the door. I’m not mad though. I love the Bruins being irrelevant. I absolutely hate all things Boston.
I’m sorry ok. I know that this post seems kind of “phoned in”. Don’t get me wrong there are some Grade A comedy gems that make up the skeleton of this post but that’s all it is. Just a bare skeleton. I guess I’m just in a bit of a funk. Saturday I received a letter that my License has been suspended until I attend a court date for a speeding ticket back up at school. Fuck the police, always harshing my mellow. My parents were so pissed at me that they “grounded me” can you imagine? I’m 22 years old and I was grounded. if I wasn’t terrified by my mother and her latin fury, or completely dependent on them financially, than I would have left the house. But no, I’m too big of a pussy. My posts for the rest of the week will be on point trust me just cut me some slack today.